Why I was wrong!

30th April 2024 marked the last day as Chair of the Antiracism & Learning Technology Special Interest Group (ARLT SIG) under the Association for Learning Technology (ALT).

The decision to resign was very easy, it happened on 8th Feb, following an interesting conversation and a rather more interesting email that immediately followed.

Yes, I resigned short of my 3 years mandate, for I was wrong in many ways. For a start, I was wrong to believe that the aftermath of the George Floyd wave in the British HE sector would bring true change.

I write this blog with full awareness of the implications, because I am not afraid of speaking the truth as it is, nor of relating what I went through as Chair of ARLT SIG, for I was wrong to believe that as a coloured woman I could work towards real change and that those who call themselves my “allies” would truly embody allyship.

A little bit of history to set the perspective

I still cannot fanthom out the initial and real reason why the group was formed, because the more I got involved, the more I was seeing racism first-hand and very much in practice within the group. As the group officially got recognised as a SIG under ALT and even 2+ years as a SIG, I was proved wrong more and more.

So how did I wrong as Chair?

There is such a long list, but I will aim to limit my thoughts to an average length for readers.

• I was wrong when I took the responsibility and made myself accountable to the whole community. And that was my first mistake – keeping the interest of the whole community in mind. What was I even thinking not having a personal agenda and instead putting the community first?

• I was wrong when I stood up for myself and demanded access to platforms to which I should have already had access as the then Co-Chair. What was I thinking? I should have expected the wrong doers to gang up against me. What was I thinking standing up to “the gang”?

• I was wrong when I wrote a blog detailing the meaning of my name. I figured out it was the only way to get the pseudo-antiracists in the committee to make the effort to say my name right. But that did not work – until very recently (Jan 2024), I was still being called TeerouNaMee – not because the person could not pronounce my name properly, but because she could not be bothered. What was I thinking trying to get hardcore racists to change?

• I was wrong to have “quiet” words with those who had racist or unsupportive behaviour. Why did I not think of naming and shaming them in public? What was I thinking giving countless chances to such people?

• I was wrong to think that White people will consult with people of colour before finalising anything. Why did I think all White people interested in antiracism are allies?

• I was wrong to think that people will fulfill their allocated roles in the group. Why did I think that the pseudo-antiracists will take action rather than only talk?

• I was wrong when I put in the hours and run most of the show on my own, even covering for others. Of course there were people simply standing by and awaiting to take credit of my hard work, without an iota of effort or time from their end. Of course I was wrong to give 300+ hrs per year, while few others gave less than 1 hr in a whole year – I know it is a voluntary role but that is no excuse for people to be racists or fake allies by piggybacking on my work. What was I thinking, not everyone has a conscious of their own?

• I was wrong when I decided to dismantle the fake illusion of “inclusion” and what true antiracism was. I had written a whole blog on navigating racism with pseudo-antiracists. What was I thinking, expecting people to change?

One thing, that I was not wrong and never faltered on, was that I did and delivered on every single thing that I said I will do. So it should not have come as a surprise when I said I would resign because of a particular bigotted, self-centred and racist person. I have had several promises of support, only to have those promises broken when I needed the support the most. Again, what was I thinking?

Moving forward

I wrote this blog with the least botheration about the feelings of those who wronged me, because why should I? I am wrong after all !

Well, moving forward, I will not be available anymore on Fridays to have meetings – even though Fridays were not my meeting days. I will not be available anymore to adjust to anyone’s availability. I will not be available anymore to keep reminding people to book a simple group meeting or set up a simple Doodle. I will not be available to remind people on what they promised to deliver – their to-do lists or even that 5-min tasks that took 8 months to do. I will not be available anymore to give free discourse on antiracism in learning tech. I will not be available anymore to educate impostors. I will not have to hear people say they raise their hand and accept that they are not doing what they should be doing, only for them to never change their attitude.

When you get pricked by a thorn, you remove the thorn, you do not cut your head off! And to this, I say AMEN, to finally be away from the ARLT SIG drama created by impostors – those impostors who are only part of the antiracism wave for their own promotion at work. Since Black Lives Matter in the UK, there has been a wave of pseudo-antiracists tagging along on DEI work for promotion at work. I am glad that the whole time that I was in ARLT SIG, I was not associated with any employer, I had no hidden agenda of being promoted at work, and this enabled me to deliver anti-racism work anchored on ethics.

I commit though to continuing to support the few ARLT SIG officers who reach out, especially those who have considered our relationship to be two-way, that is, they not only keep taking from me but also give back. These people have agreed with me and disagreed with me on many occasions, but they had my back at every step, supporting me as a female POC Chair who was wronged by others at every step.

I still have one pro-bono workshop to deliver, which I look forward to. The last one went well with great feedback from the attendees wanting more of the workshop, but sadly the university officers were uncooperative for subsequent ones when payment for my time came into the discussion – suddenly red tapes came into play which was never an issue when it came to exploiting my time and labour freely beforehand. Nonetheless, I look forward to the upcoming workshop at a different university, as people of different calibre have been involved in this one.

Upon reflection, I realise how many fake POC antiracists there are in the HE arena, making more damage to the marginalised people. And this will continue because incompetent people will favour other incompetent people. For anyone truly interested in growing up to undertake real antiracism, here’s something to start with – You need competence to recognise incompetence & How you do one thing is how you do everything. BE THE CHANGE!

And with relief in my heart, I end my partnership with ARLT SIG.